Taming The Green Eyed Monster

In my therapy room at South Molton Street. I had clients come to see me for all sorts of issues with: sleep, anxiety, phobias, relationship stress and self esteem issues. The one issue that clients came to see me for the most, to get help with, were issues of jealousy and the associated feelings of anger. 

I am no Mother Teressa, and I can honestly say that this was one emotion I personally do not fully fathom. I live in the world where I have witnessed people acting jealous, heard people say "I'm so jealous", I am sure I have said that when a friends gone off to sun themselves at an amazing beach in the Caribbean or South East Asia and share every moment of their happy time on facebook, while I am sat stuck in a cold gloomy city in the rain. When I say to them, "I'm so jealous", what I mean is that I wish I was on a beach somewhere lovely too. I do actually feel genuine happiness for them, that they are having such a lovely time. And at no point, wish that they do not have what they have and that I have it instead. 

The definition of jealousy is, the feeling of resentment towards a rival or someone else's success or good fortune and wishing that you had what they had instead of them.

When I hear clients talk of their jealously, I feel genuinely sad for them, that they are experiencing these feelings. It is really horrid for them. I am also very happy they came to see me. And were brave enough to admit there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. They have recognised that the feeling of jealously is destructive to themselves and very often the person the anger and jealously is directed at. I heard once of someone whose jealously had gotten so bad that, they had purposely fed 2 people laxative laced muffins and made them so ill one of them was taken to hospital. This is really serious stuff, do NOT do this to anyone, its a terrible thing to do to another human being and who knows what it could have led too, if it was something they were allergic too. Just writing about it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Jealousy is something that has no place in the work place. If you notice people in your teams exhibiting behaviours that suggest jealously, nip it in the bud, confront it head on and make sure it is well and truly resolved. Help your employee see their own value and work out their own path and not worry or focus on someone else.

One of the tricks I asked clients who were working with me to deal with their issues of jealously was to identify what was it exactly that the other had that they didn't have? was it attention, love, happiness, a promotion, acceptance, relaxation, security...what the real underlying thing that they felt the other had that they were missing. 

Then what they needed to do was figure out a way of finding their own version of happiness, love, acceptance etc. etc. I know this is hard to hear for people who suffer from jealously but seriously they had to STOP using another persons life as a measure for their own. One can only measure oneself against the me myself and I. We are all on our own development path. some of us just happen to be in the right place at the right time and others have created opportunities for themselves. So next time, before the bunny boiler comes out to play for you or someone you might know. It is worth taking stock and realising everyone's circumstances and journey is unique to them. What opportunities are you going to create for yourself?

Hell, I want to be in the position to be able to give a huge amount of money to charities and build schools for children in countries where it is needed. I want to have incredible homes all over the world, be able to send all my family and friends the most incredible presents and look after them all, to be able to travel whenever and wherever I want without ever thinking about the cost. 

Getting jealous of someone else who has these things is not going to get me what you want. All it will do is make me bloody miserable. 

If you have jealousy issues, start looking at your own journey and find a way of making incredible things happen for you. 

 

When our fears are our business blocks

How many of you have ever in your business said; "we have always done it this way!"? I can say that this and "if it ain't broke don't fix it" are 2 particularly lethal things to say for business success.

If you have said this in your business, then I invite you to be curious about what the fears and belief's are that drive this thinking and associated behaviour. Just like an explorer visiting the glorious medina in Fez, give yourself permission to explore your own inner world and be really honest with yourself. What is really going on?

"It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives." Marianne Williamson 

Why are saying and believing these things a blocks for business success? For the very reason that they put a lid on innovation, experimentation and growth through learning.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you do this. I find that sometimes just chatting about it with a good friend can help you identify unpick some of the fears. And try things a little differently next time.

the drive for compassionate communication

What is it about communicating with compassion so important to me, that I have decided to turn it into my life's mission to help teach people how to do it.

Over the course of 15 years as you can imagine I have done quite a number of things and had the pleasure of working at a few different organisations. In doing so, have learnt and experienced a fair amount. I have travelled to the Far East, all over Europe and North America with my work, have had the pleasure of experiencing great people, cultures, good wine and better food.

I have worked in the charity sector (I still have a part of my work that still anchors me there, as a NED for a charity that helps women and children who are victims of domestic violence). In the public sector (British national health service) and the corporate sector. From the outside none of these sectors have anything in common. From the inside however they all have something in common.

The things that drain and cause so much angst and stress. The politics and the way in which people are treated and speak to one another which is absolutely unacceptable.

I have trained sales people and coached key account directors in agencies. With the core of every training/coaching session incorporating  compassion for humanity. Seeing people as people and not just wheels in a cog.

One of my biggest gripes is when anyone thinks they are better or less than someone else.  I have in my life been dealt a pretty good hand. My parents worked hard for my brother and I to get the best education they could afford for us. As an adult I continued to invest in my development and further education. I have been fortunate enough to earn a good living and fly business class for pleasure, stay in 5 starred hotels. It wasn't always like that and I remain grounded by some of the humbling and hard experiences I have had. I do not take anything for granted. No one is better than me and I am not better than anyone else.

If you can treat your staff and the people around you as an equal human being. From your cleaning staff, to the C-Level and the board then you really are a very successful human.

 There are so many different classes of society and among those, there will obviously be those who clearly just understand you more than others. That still does not give you or anyone else the right to treat all the other class of people with disdain or malaise.

Work is stressful, dealing with clients is stressful, mergers and acquisitions are stressful, appraisals are a stressful time, hiring and firing staff is stressful. Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of being arseholes (sorry for offending anyone, but yes I said it) to one another we actually learned how to communicate with compassion. To be able to be honest and voice how we feel without putting someone down, or making them feel bad about themselves.

The beginning of the process of compassionate communication and ultimately culture change within an organisation starts with self awareness. After that this awareness need to extend out to the field. To the people around you. And then to the wider field the impact and effect to your community, country, planet.

If we all manage to learn to communicate with compassion and actually do it. It's free a our time and energy to focus on things that matter. Like getting the tasks done, focusing on family, being more loving, patient and looking after our planet.

Tips to help improve your company's communications culture

My very first attempt at an infographic

3 key principles for change

I was recently asked if compassion was really something that can be taught, and was told  by the same person, in a very matter of fact way, that people are either compassionate or they are not. Hmmm....interesting view point. I do wonder what experience this person has had to store this in their psyche as the absolute truth.

Compassionate people exhibit certain behaviours and behaviours like skills can be learnt.

If ones behaviour changes, then the way one thinks about the thing one exhibits this new behaviour too changes, and thus how one feel about it also changes. There is a whole therapeutic technique that is dedicated to this very thing. Its history is seeped in scientific, psychological and neurological research.

The key principles to remember are:

1: What we think, effects how we act and feel.
2: What we feel, effects how we think and act.
3: How we act, effects how we think and feel.

We all have a "learned" way of doing things and had experiences which have created our opinions and views of the world around us. And these learned and stored experiences have an impact on how we behave and interact with the world and people around us. Everything we think and feel, can be changed through the way in which we behave. And thus update our stored memories and stereotypes, the associated thoughts and"automatic" responses that come with it.

"if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you've always got" -Henry Ford

Solemn reminder of the necessity of compassion

There is nothing quite like death, to remind those of us left behind, to live life fully. Today I attended the memorial service of a 22 year old who died a year ago in a car crash. This young chap was a school friend of my brother- in-law, and I occationally picked them up from school when they were young teens.

Since this young lads death, his family and friends share the motto of; "What would Jamie do?". One of his friends has even had it tattooed on his arm. Jamie was a kind and generous young man, who made everyone around him laugh. Intellgent and compassionate. He once even bought a teddy bear at the age of 7 becase it was lonely and no one wanted it. He showed strength of charater and compassion at such a young age.

There is a lesson to be learnt from the finallity of this young boys death, which I would like for businesses to adopt in the way they commnicate with one another. People may not remember what you said or did but they will certainly remember how you made them feel.

There was a reading done at the funeral, which I would like to share (Author unknown):

Live a life that matters
Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived.
At the end, whether you were beautiful or brilliant, male or female, even your skin colour won't matter.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched,empowered or encouraged others.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

I implore you dear business owner, to create a business culture to be proud of, a culture that values people and humanity. Give your employees less stress in thier work life. There is more than enough stress in our life and work. The way in which we speak to one another and interact does not need to add to this.

Turning the obvious choice into a reality

Yesterday I wrote a post about 2 different work scenarios and if a business that values communicating with compassion can be profitable. And yes, the answer is very simple of course, everyone knows that people who are treated well, are more productive and produce the best work. And this has a direct correlation with profitability. The sad reality however, is that it is usually not what plays out in the work place.

Let me paint you a picture of Margaret (Mags) for you. She is the MD of a small firm in her early 50's. Mags started her business in her late 20's and has been running it for just over 20 years. She runs a service business with a turnover of about £7mil a year. She has run her company with an iron fist but she hadn't set out to do this, she said "it just happened" and it gets worse when there are client deadlines. Mags had a messy divorce in her early 40's and her sons are now both going to leave home to go to university. Mags is also going through the dreaded lady change (and there is not a woman alive who relishes this transition). Mags is also a very proud woman and feels she has a lot to prove to the men from her entrepreneur peer group. She started her working life in a generation when you had to play like a man to get anywhere. And she still wears this mask because she feels she needs to.

Mags is so afraid of the loss of control in her personal life, and the self imposed stress to be the best in her field of expertise to show the boys that she is better than them or just as good as. The only area of her life that she feels she has control is her business. And is going about it in a very self destructive fashion.

We have all just gone through a horrid recession, and the pressure to keep ones business surviving is immense. Instead of helping her business flourish and empower her staff to make decisions, be collaborative and creative, Mags is unknowingly suffocating it. From my observations and discussions with Mags and various people in her team. A few things came up, which she exhibits in some of her behaviours and communication style.

The behaviours that are not conducive to creating a compassionate working environment. Impatience, favouritism, withholding vital information, being a little snappy when staff are a little late or off sick, there is a lack of flexibility with staff even when they have worked till midnight the previous day, lack of client expectation management, openly undermining her staff, she never missed an opportunity to disparage the people around her. And worse still she was completely unaware of how she came across. Mags is a strong woman, highly educated, has done well for herself and her sons financially and is generous (she hosts the most lavish work parties, subsidises lunch for her staff and pays an above average wage for her industry).

She wants her business to grow and to do this need to hire externally for senior staff to help take her business to the next level. She still has some staff working with her that have been there from the very beginning, who have also picked up and exhibit the habits and communication style she does. Mags has a high staff turnover. The thing that has hindered Mags from "seeing" what the issue is that her core original team is still with her. Mags is going to have to start at the very beginning with facing some hard truths and improving on her self awareness, if she wants to grow and for this growth to be sustainable.

Mags is not alone, there are hundreds and thousands of business owners who exhibit similar behaviours with their employees. And because they have historically done well do not feel the need to change the way they communicate or the organisational culture.

So yes, we all know that, "happy" people are more productive and produce the best work and this has a direct correlation with profitability. Yet everyone is under pressure to get results, and when there is pressure all well meaning intentions of wanting to instill a good working environment and being compassionate gets chucked out the window. How many times have you started a company initiative and for some reason or another it either gets parked, put on the back burner for another time or gets completely abandoned because there is something more urgent that needs to happen.

In danger of being repetitive, learning to communicate with compassion and changing ones culture is not easy. It takes time, patience and a hell of a lot of perseverance. But by George, once you have it nailed and these things have become a habit then its easy to keep using them even in the most difficult and pressured environments. What reality do you want for your business? And are you brave enough to look in the mirror to address some of the issues?

Can you be compassionate in business and make a profit?

Take a step back with me if you will in your minds eye. We are looking at an office filled with people (in whatever style of office or layout of office you wish), they are all employees and working through their tasks for the day. Some are writing emails, or doing some wiz programming stuff, others are on the phones calling clients, arranging meetings, ordering lunch, calling friends to make dinner plans. There are some busy doing research or writing articles/reports, watching the stock markets...there's the odd bod who is happy playing solitaire, watching the clock and thinking no one has noticed. And the one who is updating their CV or on linked-in searching for a new job.

Scenario 1:

Now I would like to add another layer to this picture, now imagine that the majority of these employees feel they have the "boss from hell", the one who barks orders at them, gets annoyed if anyone is 5 minutes late (even though they stayed 4 hours later than usual the night before) and doesn't ever say thank you. The type of boss who will happily scream at someone for making a mistake and every decision has to be passed through them.The majority of staff dread going into work each day. They have that horrid sinking feeling each time their boss calls them or speaks to them. As if they have been summoned to the head masters office at school. How productive do you think this team of people will be?

Senario 2:

Now I ask you to go back to the image of the office of people, now imagine that the majority of these employees feel they have the best boss ever, one who speaks to them with respect, even when they have a difficult message to deliver. A boss who empowers them to make decisions and teaches them how to be responsible for their actions. A boss who takes the time to understand what went wrong and takes overall responsibility. Someone who is happy to brain storm and train when needed. The type of boss who is happy to coach or invest in coaching, to help people learn how to communicate more effectively. The majority of staff actually enjoy coming into work each day and know if they have to leave early for whatever reason or come in late that their boss will understand, so long as they complete their tasks or objectives, or put in the additional work when its needed. 

I wonder which scenario do you think will be most profitable, successful, continues to grows year-on-year and produces the best work?

You don't need to look that far to find businesses out there to have such a working environments, that do really well. One very good example of one is google. I have yet to meet people who do not love working at or at very least like being a google employee. Google values treating people well. This has given google the edge over everyone else, because it encourages commitment and productivity. I am pretty certain with a 3.04% rise in their share prices today are making somewhat of a profit too.

Better behaviours for more sales

For 15 years, before I set-up on my own as a compassionate communication coaching practice, I worked as a director of business development and held a senior role in client services. And as you can imagine as any self respecting sales person, did not often pass up an opportunity to pitch and up-sell. There are times however, when it is appropriate to not pitch. There is a time and place that is appropriate to pitch to people.

Last year I was invited to attend an all expenses paid trip to New York by a client. For a strategic planning meeting, of how to help a very large globally recognised brand, to improve their revenue. The 3 days of meetings, were as you can imagine very busy with ram packed schedules. There were several attendees at this meeting, that represented different businesses and areas of expertise, who were there to play a part in the delivery of the objectives of this large organisation.

There were representatives of 6 other businesses at this meeting (of which I was one), in New York. All of whom, apart from me, was from the US so perhaps my assumption was that they would know more about the culture and how best to behave in the meeting. And am I glad I stuck to my instincts and did what I knew to be right.

4 of the other attendees from the external companies, felt that it was appropriate deliver a hard pitch during a strategy meeting, to the global leadership team, of a large globally recognised brand and attendees from other organisations. Maybe this is the old school US way of doing business or simply that the other 4 companies whose representatives were pitching were just inexperienced in "reading a room". I can tell you that after that meeting the only 2 companies that this large global organisation didn't "fire", was the one I represented, and another organisation whose business owner was wise enough to know that this meeting was all about focusing on solving the issues the client faced, This gentleman, had previous experience in working with an audience outside of the US.

The message I have for the people who did get the boot is: You are not setting up a one-off, pop-up stall selling fish in a market. You are there representing an organisation that sells a service! And meeting with a very senior leadership team with representatives from across the globe. My advice to you is to behave like a consultant, be professional and respectful to all parties in the room.

All 6 external attendees were already pre-selected and  invited to the table of this very impressive Manhattan boardroom (to work with an equally impressive brand). We were each the only ones within our area of expertise in the room. We were there for a planning meeting. What made these people think that it was the right time to do a hard pitch it truly beyond my comprehension.

I am sharing this rant and story because this happens every day. Great opportunities like this do not come knocking every day and when they are wasted because some sales people do not know how to communicate appropriately. Is such a shame.

The purpose of the meeting was to focus on the issues the clients were having. And as part of this to give a bit of an overview of the organisation each representative was from, as an introduction to everyone in the room and what exactly the action steps would be to help. The men that were pitching (the ones that got the boot) were the typical "hot shot", "think i'm all that" type of person with very little in form of humility or humanity for that matter. The type of person that gives sales people a BAD name. I have worked in sales and being in the 100% quota club, takes dedication and is by no means easy. I also know some of the most incredible sales people, who I have worked with or met across several countries in Europe & Asia. The qualities they & I have in common are:

• Always focus on the objectives, clients issues and work out a solution
• Know when they don't know something - They don't just wing it,they bring in the right experts at the right time
• Great listening skills
• Can read people really well
• Compassionate - show humanity and are humble
• Are the trusted adviser - Challenge the client when necessary to help them get better results and point them in the right direction even if it means away from you 
• Build good relationships - communication and trust are key
• Always close the deal and get repeat business

If your sales team is getting a lot of knock back or actually still have this old school way of selling then perhaps its time to reevaluate. In this modern day and age when your competition is global, then you need to think and act in the same way. Perhaps investing in some Compassionate Communication Coaching maybe an option. It might even transform the culture of your organisation, to one that really gives a *beep* about the people behind the deal and money. Don't forget people by from people, be a person 1st and the rest will follow.

I have over the years built some incredible relationships and had fantastic feedback in the work I have done, which I am going to share with you. 

"Kavitha's sensitivity easily uncovers personal barriers and her up front, honest and open approach gives it to you straight.  She is not afraid to say what needs to be said but does it in a way that makes it easy to take. 
I would recommend Kavitha for anyone who is stuck in either personal or work relationships." 
Mo Harford, Motivational speaker,sales and employee engagement trainer and coach

"Kavitha is a warm, generous spirit. I worked with her in a couple of coaching scenarios. In one particular instance, the work she did with me had an extremely positive impact on my sleep patterns. She is fun to work with and has an intuitive sense of what her client needs" Grant Telfer, RVP Platform, UKI at salesforce.com

"I have known Kavitha for the last couple of years and have worked with her within coaching during this time. 

She has a wonderful bubbly personality that will give you no other option than to like, respect and trust her to draw out and work with your deepest fears, identify your dreams and help you find ways to bring them to reality. 

Kavitha is a caring, intuitive and innovative coach who I am grateful to have met and worked with and I cannot recommend her highly enough" Simon Maryan, Mind-Body Health Specialist, Author & Speaker

"Kavitha is an inspiration to work with! I have known and worked with Kavitha for more than 6 years and in two different company's. All the while she has helped me develop considerably in my professional career. She is a skilled motivator and has tremendous professional attributes. Over the years, I have seen Kavitha land major deals and generate pipeline in the order of millions of pounds. Moreover, she turns an otherwise sedated environment into a vibrant, energised and thoroughly pleasant place to be" Shpat Shala, Business Development Manager at Allhires

"It has been a breath of fresh air to work with someone like Kavitha who actually listens and makes suggestions based around our requirements. Kavitha also brings in her knowledge in a consultative way to ensure that we get the results we need even if that means that she is advising us on internal process rather than using her services. I would have no objection to referring Kavitha to any of our Global regions and have done on several occasions." Nimisha Overton, Marketer at Microsoft

I do hope that someone can learn from the mistakes of these people. To business owners that value the large deals and adding logos to your belt to show off with; invest in coaching and support for your teams. So that next time, they can make the most of such an incredible opportunity and close the deal.

Culture change & the need to communicate

Culture change takes a lot of collaboration, transparency, listening and planning. It is often when plans get set into motion, when things get a little difficult and resistance often shows its ugly head.This resistance can be disruptive. The implementation of new processes and increased interaction can cause problems where there were previously none. 

This is usually the time in the organisational change initiative when performance drops, people are let go or they leave because they no longer feel happy at work. New processes often cause frustration and extra work. For employees the new processes just usually seem to adds more admin to their already busy and long days with very little benefit. Very often employees are told what to do and not really given a clear explanation as to why they need to follow these new processes. Ensuring everyone is in the loop of what is happening, getting them to buy into the why (I get that this is not always possible) and for how long may well alleviate some of the pains.

The key is to continue the dialogue with all parties involved. Hire coaches for the team, it's important to get people the support they need, to keep the momentum of the change going and help encourage commitment. Keep the lines of communication open. Hire a coach for yourself too,don't leave you out. This is your business and you either initiated or fully backed this culture change. That does not mean that you are fully equipped to deal with all the "stuff that might come up" either with your staff, your processes or yourself, during the change. It important to have someone to help you through the change. 

Cultural change: leading by compassion or fear?

Being in the work of compassionate communication, I do tend to have some very interesting conversations. I recently met a couple at a social gathering who have been running their own business for the last 11 years. They are at their growth spurt transition and are having an issue with staff satisfaction.

Andy mentioned to me that not so long ago, he had a mass exodus of staff from his firm. There had been, "a lot of negativity flying about" and Andy decided to fire a whole group of people. There were some who managed to delay their departure, as they felt things were not run well and they knew a better way. Andy very bullishly said to them; "okay, well if you think things can be run differently then why don't you show me?" This approach didn't fair well for them or Andy, as these people in the end also left. I can only assume by the amount of antagonism they felt from Andy. 

What Andy did do, unlike a lot of business owners I meet (who do have a habit of burying their head in the sand), he actually asked the people who were being negative to show him the way they thought was better. Great right? Well he was certainly on the right path...... had he been sincere in actually wanting to learn a better way. 

Instead of really being open to the changes that were being suggested Andy took the negativity personally and had set his staff up to fail. The people that were left i.e. the ones who had not been fired or felt pushed out, Andy called into a meeting room and had told them that if he heard anymore negativity in the office, that there would be more head rolling and more people would be fired. He believed his company was then in a good place. 

I wonder if this new found "optimism" in his staff is genuine or if it is out of a fear of loosing their jobs. What Andy has managed to do is create an environment that his staff do not feel that they can open up to him and collaborate on a way of improving things. It saddened me when Andy didn't even really care what the root cause of the negativity was and actually try to solve the problem. He just stuck a band aid over it and now leads from a place of fear.

Fear and antagonism causes stress and unhappiness. If you want a committed and productive team, then you must be willing to open yourself up and ask the difficult questions and be prepared to not take the feedback personally.

My parting advice to Andy and anyone who identify's with Andy's predicament is to Listen, Collaborate and Solve!

And yes I am, now saying those 3 things to the tune of ice ice baby in my head.