The Bully & The Whistle Blower

The more time I spend studying human psychology, learning about how the mind works and the more people I work with. The more curious I become about people. Humans are very strange creatures, to me we are the most interesting animals of all. We have as much a capacity for love, as we have for hatred. As much as we want to truth we often do not like to hear the truth. The truth (factual truth) forces us to have to address issues, we are often ill equipped to deal with. And sometimes we feel it's easier to just ignore it and hope it goes away.

We are all one big contradiction, we are as kind, as we are cruel. The cruelty, if one is not a sociopath, is usually driven by fear. Our fear of losing out on something or the fear of change. I have also seen cruelty, driven out of the need to preserve the status quo. I have experienced this type of cruelty first hand, only because I had witnessed it being done to someone else, and wouldn't stand for it.

A wise woman once told me that if one is willing to stick by their principles they need to be willing to lose out on something. In this instance I decided to stand up for myself and tell them where to stick their job, without another job to go to. Enough really was enough.

I was the whistle blower that raised the issue of bullying in a workplace and soon became the person whom this bullying was then directed at. I flagged the fact it was unacceptable and tried to address it directly with the main instigator of the bullying, she initially thanked me for my honesty. And over time it just got worse, I soon became the scapegoat for anything that went wrong. I had raised the issues I was having, with the HR department, that were ignored by them over the years I had been there, with details of all the bullying that was going on in the department with me and other people. This had not been the first time someone had brought up issues of bullying with them, and it wouldn't be the last. A document with evidence recording all the bullying, is really not something HR is really equip to deal with. What I learned was this truth just caused the heads of the organisation to panic.

And instead of HR addressing the issues with the person concerned and investing in coaching for the people who need it. It is often easier to just pay the person who is the whistle blower off and give them a severance package. In some cases organisations put people through performance review, after performance review just to get rid of them. Instead of dealing with the real problem. No organisation wants to be taken to tribunal for bullying/discrimination/unfair dismissal. It doesn't look good for them and no employee really wants to take the employer to tribunal as it doesn't look great for them when they go to look for a new job. It scares perspective employers away.

The things that gets me about this entire situation is that I am not the only person who has ever experienced this. And will sadly also certainly not be the last. I learnt from that experience, early on in my career, as it helped me start my journey towards spending the next few years learning, observing and looking for solutions to the very problems, I had seen unfold in front of me. And taught me how to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud, before it got out of hand. I have also been the kind of director to my team since that event that I wish I had. One that helps others succeed, empowering them, celebrating each of the successes they have had and coaching them through their communication issues.

The reality of business training is that no one really gets more than a day or 2 days of people management training. And they very often don't even get good mentors. I have been on several people management training courses and shockingly, more time is spent at these training sessions, with people having a moan about the people on their teams and on how to dismiss someone that you no longer want in your team (the dreaded performance review or putting someone back on probation or extending their probation. All the sneaky legal ways of getting rid of staff). The time needs to be spent on awareness training. Awareness of self and awareness of the other as a human.

Look I completely agree if someone is doing shoddy work and taking the mickey. And if you have tried and tried and tried to help them work it out. And still nothing, then I completely get it. Businesses shouldn't carry dead weight, people need to be engaged, proactive and working efficiently. Its okay to have the occasional off day or even the off week. But make that a habit and no employer should have to put up with it, especially if they have tried to help you work it out and put in the effort and energy to support you.

I implore you, be it in your personal life or your work life. If there is something under the surface that needs addressing. Do not just react to the symptoms and throw someone under a bus. Address the real issues! If you don't know how to do it yourself, then get a coach or a therapist. They are trained to help and facilitate in addressing the issues.

You want a great business management team. Then learn and teach them how to manage the tasks and time of the humans, whose work they are ultimately responsible for, by communicating with them in a way that is generative and brings out the best in them.
 

Why small companies and start ups need to invest in creating a great company culture

Start as you mean to go on...and if you have already started then evolve into a business you can be proud of.

As a small business it is easy to get wrapped up in the mind set of I have got to make money. Yes of course you need to make money. You also need to create a working environment for yourself and your staff that you can all feel proud to be a part of.

There are over 7.3 Billion people in the world. That is a shockingly large number of people, that this planet needs to support. Of those people approximately 3.5 billion are known to be in employment. That's about 3.5 Billion people who work to earn a wage to support the other 4 billion in some way shape or form (charity, investment or through benefits).

In the USA there are about 320 million people, of which 123 million are in employment (38.44%)

I wonder how 3.5 Billion people can carry the responsibility of everyone else on the planet when their work environment takes so much out of them, emotionally and causes so much stress. Okay, so I have made the assumption that all 3.5 Billion people work in a toxic environment. This is of course not true, there are the the 54,000+ employees of Google we can discount from the rest (very dry British humour, apologies if this was lost in translation). This assumption is made on the level of political and cultural unrest I see each and every day in the papers that really does frighten me. If we do not learn to help one another and create an environment that allows us to express ourselves in a manner that is generative. We walk all over one another or stab each other in the back, just so we can be better off than the other.

The history of evolution states that in order to survive we must be the strongest in the gene pool or risk extinction. But guess what, we have now evolved into conscious beings, and thus can make conscious decisions, we have evolved from our "reptile only brains" of fight or flight. With advancements in the world around us, we can all make better decisions and find a way of helping one another thrive. By working together.

The same rules of evolution apply to the business world (as businesses are only the people who run and work for them). In order for a business to survive and thrive it needs to be better and stronger than its competition. And as we evolve our own consciousness, we can also create conscious businesses. A conscious business; that creates a space for its employees to feel valued, and also challenges them. A business that supports and encourages drive and ambition and leads with communicating with compassion.

Taming The Green Eyed Monster

In my therapy room at South Molton Street. I had clients come to see me for all sorts of issues with: sleep, anxiety, phobias, relationship stress and self esteem issues. The one issue that clients came to see me for the most, to get help with, were issues of jealousy and the associated feelings of anger. 

I am no Mother Teressa, and I can honestly say that this was one emotion I personally do not fully fathom. I live in the world where I have witnessed people acting jealous, heard people say "I'm so jealous", I am sure I have said that when a friends gone off to sun themselves at an amazing beach in the Caribbean or South East Asia and share every moment of their happy time on facebook, while I am sat stuck in a cold gloomy city in the rain. When I say to them, "I'm so jealous", what I mean is that I wish I was on a beach somewhere lovely too. I do actually feel genuine happiness for them, that they are having such a lovely time. And at no point, wish that they do not have what they have and that I have it instead. 

The definition of jealousy is, the feeling of resentment towards a rival or someone else's success or good fortune and wishing that you had what they had instead of them.

When I hear clients talk of their jealously, I feel genuinely sad for them, that they are experiencing these feelings. It is really horrid for them. I am also very happy they came to see me. And were brave enough to admit there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. They have recognised that the feeling of jealously is destructive to themselves and very often the person the anger and jealously is directed at. I heard once of someone whose jealously had gotten so bad that, they had purposely fed 2 people laxative laced muffins and made them so ill one of them was taken to hospital. This is really serious stuff, do NOT do this to anyone, its a terrible thing to do to another human being and who knows what it could have led too, if it was something they were allergic too. Just writing about it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Jealousy is something that has no place in the work place. If you notice people in your teams exhibiting behaviours that suggest jealously, nip it in the bud, confront it head on and make sure it is well and truly resolved. Help your employee see their own value and work out their own path and not worry or focus on someone else.

One of the tricks I asked clients who were working with me to deal with their issues of jealously was to identify what was it exactly that the other had that they didn't have? was it attention, love, happiness, a promotion, acceptance, relaxation, security...what the real underlying thing that they felt the other had that they were missing. 

Then what they needed to do was figure out a way of finding their own version of happiness, love, acceptance etc. etc. I know this is hard to hear for people who suffer from jealously but seriously they had to STOP using another persons life as a measure for their own. One can only measure oneself against the me myself and I. We are all on our own development path. some of us just happen to be in the right place at the right time and others have created opportunities for themselves. So next time, before the bunny boiler comes out to play for you or someone you might know. It is worth taking stock and realising everyone's circumstances and journey is unique to them. What opportunities are you going to create for yourself?

Hell, I want to be in the position to be able to give a huge amount of money to charities and build schools for children in countries where it is needed. I want to have incredible homes all over the world, be able to send all my family and friends the most incredible presents and look after them all, to be able to travel whenever and wherever I want without ever thinking about the cost. 

Getting jealous of someone else who has these things is not going to get me what you want. All it will do is make me bloody miserable. 

If you have jealousy issues, start looking at your own journey and find a way of making incredible things happen for you. 

 

When our fears are our business blocks

How many of you have ever in your business said; "we have always done it this way!"? I can say that this and "if it ain't broke don't fix it" are 2 particularly lethal things to say for business success.

If you have said this in your business, then I invite you to be curious about what the fears and belief's are that drive this thinking and associated behaviour. Just like an explorer visiting the glorious medina in Fez, give yourself permission to explore your own inner world and be really honest with yourself. What is really going on?

"It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives." Marianne Williamson 

Why are saying and believing these things a blocks for business success? For the very reason that they put a lid on innovation, experimentation and growth through learning.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you do this. I find that sometimes just chatting about it with a good friend can help you identify unpick some of the fears. And try things a little differently next time.

the drive for compassionate communication

What is it about communicating with compassion so important to me, that I have decided to turn it into my life's mission to help teach people how to do it.

Over the course of 15 years as you can imagine I have done quite a number of things and had the pleasure of working at a few different organisations. In doing so, have learnt and experienced a fair amount. I have travelled to the Far East, all over Europe and North America with my work, have had the pleasure of experiencing great people, cultures, good wine and better food.

I have worked in the charity sector (I still have a part of my work that still anchors me there, as a NED for a charity that helps women and children who are victims of domestic violence). In the public sector (British national health service) and the corporate sector. From the outside none of these sectors have anything in common. From the inside however they all have something in common.

The things that drain and cause so much angst and stress. The politics and the way in which people are treated and speak to one another which is absolutely unacceptable.

I have trained sales people and coached key account directors in agencies. With the core of every training/coaching session incorporating  compassion for humanity. Seeing people as people and not just wheels in a cog.

One of my biggest gripes is when anyone thinks they are better or less than someone else.  I have in my life been dealt a pretty good hand. My parents worked hard for my brother and I to get the best education they could afford for us. As an adult I continued to invest in my development and further education. I have been fortunate enough to earn a good living and fly business class for pleasure, stay in 5 starred hotels. It wasn't always like that and I remain grounded by some of the humbling and hard experiences I have had. I do not take anything for granted. No one is better than me and I am not better than anyone else.

If you can treat your staff and the people around you as an equal human being. From your cleaning staff, to the C-Level and the board then you really are a very successful human.

 There are so many different classes of society and among those, there will obviously be those who clearly just understand you more than others. That still does not give you or anyone else the right to treat all the other class of people with disdain or malaise.

Work is stressful, dealing with clients is stressful, mergers and acquisitions are stressful, appraisals are a stressful time, hiring and firing staff is stressful. Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of being arseholes (sorry for offending anyone, but yes I said it) to one another we actually learned how to communicate with compassion. To be able to be honest and voice how we feel without putting someone down, or making them feel bad about themselves.

The beginning of the process of compassionate communication and ultimately culture change within an organisation starts with self awareness. After that this awareness need to extend out to the field. To the people around you. And then to the wider field the impact and effect to your community, country, planet.

If we all manage to learn to communicate with compassion and actually do it. It's free a our time and energy to focus on things that matter. Like getting the tasks done, focusing on family, being more loving, patient and looking after our planet.

Tips to help improve your company's communications culture

My very first attempt at an infographic

3 key principles for change

I was recently asked if compassion was really something that can be taught, and was told  by the same person, in a very matter of fact way, that people are either compassionate or they are not. Hmmm....interesting view point. I do wonder what experience this person has had to store this in their psyche as the absolute truth.

Compassionate people exhibit certain behaviours and behaviours like skills can be learnt.

If ones behaviour changes, then the way one thinks about the thing one exhibits this new behaviour too changes, and thus how one feel about it also changes. There is a whole therapeutic technique that is dedicated to this very thing. Its history is seeped in scientific, psychological and neurological research.

The key principles to remember are:

1: What we think, effects how we act and feel.
2: What we feel, effects how we think and act.
3: How we act, effects how we think and feel.

We all have a "learned" way of doing things and had experiences which have created our opinions and views of the world around us. And these learned and stored experiences have an impact on how we behave and interact with the world and people around us. Everything we think and feel, can be changed through the way in which we behave. And thus update our stored memories and stereotypes, the associated thoughts and"automatic" responses that come with it.

"if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you've always got" -Henry Ford